Erectile Dysfunction or Erectile Disinterest?

Back in my 20s (1970s), if the wind blew in the right direction, I could get an erection. The mantra back then – entirely in resonance with the zeitgeist – was “any portal in a storm.” Women, exercising their new liberation, were doing the same, though their metaphors are a bit more challenging.

Now things are different, and I’m not just referring to the biology. Along with a maturing body, that has slowed with time, and is less immediately responsive to the moment, there is a maturing of the mind. While able to “fulfill the promise” in some situations, it is not willing to perform in others. What’s going on?

It is easiest to explain by example. [Note: for the benefit of women reading this, the exact opposite will be true. You’ll have to find a blog discussing “Vaginal Dysfunction or Vaginal Disinterest?” at another site. That being said, the remedy for the physical manifestation of frigidity can be found in a tube, the use of which has no physical side effects and costs only a few dollars. No so for ED.]

Scenario #1 – generally applies to married couples

It has been a long time since you’ve had sex with your wife. It’s your anniversary, and whether by obligation, or perhaps some spark of remembrance of feelings for you early in your relationship, she makes herself available to you. But you’re not in the right mindset. You may have been working hard in the yard all day, or she’s treated you like shit for the past week and right now, you really don’t give a fuck. That translates into not being able to give the fuck. You don’t have erectile dysfunction, you have erectile disinterest.

Here I’ll interject a suggestion for the women. Men need foreplay, too. And, like you, it starts well before you hit the sheets. As Sinatra used to sing, “Try a Little Tenderness.”

Scenario #2—applies to any relationship that has expired

How many times have we heard about a divorce in which the couple stayed together far longer than they should have mostly because “the sex was great?” These are 28 year-olds breaking up, not 50+ year-olds.

You may be in a relationship – long term marriage or short term endearment – that has expired. As men and women in our 50s or beyond, we get habituated very easily to just having someone around. Whether there is cohabitation, or just the ritual of getting together Friday night, departing Sunday afternoon, we like having another person there. We enjoy some aspects of the companionship, but it’s more a matter of just not being alone in your own home, day after week after month. Finding someone new is just such a pain in the ass.

The moment will arise when she feels physical engagement is appropriate, but you won’t arise to meet it. You’re just not really interested anymore. The feel of her skin on yours, the smell of her, the shape of her, just doesn’t turn you on. Performance is dampened, often to the point of extinction. You don’t have erectile dysfunction, you have erectile disinterest.

Scenario #3—generally applies to new partners

You’ve met someone new. Perhaps you were introduced at a party, set up by a well meaning friend of relative, or made the arrangements yourself on an internet dating site. She’s “nice looking” and has all the parts. You go out once or twice. Maybe the ominous third date has arrived. She invites you in for coffee. You’re sitting on the couch which has a floral design reminiscent of your grandmother’s when you were a kid. She has a collection of Hummels on a shelf unit. 600 Hummels. There are magazines on the coffee table. She subscribes to the Christian Science Monitor and Macramé Monthly. You didn’t know any of this. In the brighter light of her living room, you realize that she just doesn’t look like the woman you were sitting opposite across a candle-lit table at the restaurant.

You don’t want to insult her, so you move close and kiss her. After a little of that, she takes you to the bedroom. She goes to the bathroom to freshen up. You disrobe and get under the sheets. She walks out and slips in next to you. You just don’t wanna do it. You keep running “any portal in a storm” through your head like an erectile mantra, but you just don’t have any feeling in the guy. I won’t run through the remainder of the scene, but you have erectile disinterest, you don’t have erectile dysfunction.

Those of you who have followed this blog know that I’m not an advocate of ED drugs. Their side effects can be extreme and their cost is outrageous. But having a pill or two, especially if you’re 50+ and just getting back into dating, may be on the “OK” side of the cost-benefit equation.   

Take a pill so you can perform regardless of the size of her dog that’s staring at you as you mount her.

2nd Edition updated May 2012.

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